As I Am: Putting Perspective on "Summer" Bodies

It's that time of the year again -- that time when the pressure to get ourselves "ready" for summer through dieting, tanning, highlighting, and a variety of other activities becomes pretty intense. It's the time of year when advertisements, the media, friends, and family remind us on a daily basis that if we're planning on wearing bathing suits, we'd better be thin enough to do so; that if we're going to be showing any skin, our body had better be tan enough to do so; that if we plan on having any fun whatsoever during the summer months, we'd better make sure that our bodies are ready to take on the physical role of "summer."

So here's the thing. This year, for the first time in my life, I've made a conscious decision not to buy into it. It's not easy -- not by a long shot. But this year, I am not dieting. I am not tanning. I am not bleaching my hair. I am ready to experiment with the idea of proudly displaying myself in whatever bathing suit or clothing I want to, in all of my imperfection. This is me:

While I am not overweight, per say, I am curvy (especially according to society's standards). My skin is very fair (often referred to as "pasty" by the loving members of the society to which I belong). My hair is very dark and pretty long -- not often styled well (mostly because I choose to sleep longer or whatever instead of spending an hour on it). I've got lots of freckles all over my body, which stand out starkly against my white skin. My breasts are a B-cup. But, see, I've decided not to care anymore that I don't meet society's standards for summer beautiful.

This isn't because I think that my natural self at all embodies the epitome of what we have culturally been led to believe is "beautiful," but because I've decided it's a good idea to embrace the deep philosophical practice of not giving a shit.

Golda Poretsky covers this at her blog. This is not about apathy, per say, but about making a conscious decision to not allow others' opinions of you (particularly about your physical appearance) control any aspect of your life.

This is difficult because we are taught from a very young age that we should care very much about what other people think. As a woman, I know that the pressure to shape one's self into the generic notion of "beautiful" can be intense. Crushingly intense.

Those who know me deeply know that I used to shape my life around making myself "beautiful." I thought that happiness could be found in being physically perfect. I used to put off things I wanted to do because I wasn't thin enough yet, and once I was thin enough or whatever enough, life could finally begin. I spiraled through eleven years of eating disorders (which almost killed me when I decided it was acceptable to withhold my necessary insulin injections because, hey, I'd be thin). I laid in tanning beds and covered my body with staining lotions so that my naturally fair skin would become darker. I bleached my hair, subsequently damaging it beyond repair. I used under-eye concealer on my freckles to make them less noticeable. In short, I went to great lengths in the name of physical perfection ... and I know that many other girls and women do, too.

But the burning question, always, is why. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we buy into the notion that our physical appearance is more important than our health, or our very lives? Why do we allow ourselves to accept the notion that we're not "good enough" unless we're thin enough, tan enough, blond enough, etc.? I am a huge advocate of health and taking care of one's self, but the fact of the matter is that not all of us (not even close to all of us) are born with the capacity to be ultra-skinny, large-breasted "bombshells". And the message that our society sends to us is that we are, therefore, lesser people than those who were born with said capacity. That we should feel ashamed about the ways in which our bodies deviate from society's beauty standard.

That we should do everything in our power to change ourselves, mold ourselves, until we meet the expectation.

But beyond the fact that this leaves millions of women (and men -- yes, I know you suffer from this, too) feeling inadequate for simply being themselves, it also sends the message that the main point of wearing a bikini (or short shorts, or a tank top) is to turn ourselves into ornaments that are attractive to other people. That the main point of vacationing is to be physically appealing. That the main point of visiting public pools or parks or cookouts or camping trips is to be physically appealing. As if we don't do these things simply because we enjoy doing them.

As if we don't deserve to enjoy our summers if we're not thin, tanned, and blond.

I've come to a few realizations in recent years, including that I've got quite a few things going on that require a lot from me -- my child, writing, teaching, and everything involved in getting the most out of the human experience that I can, while I'm here. And I'm tired of sacrificing so much time and money, and devoting so much emotional effort, into an impossible ideal that does not represent who I really am. So I'm not going to do it anymore.

Don't get me wrong here. Societal pressure, and the not-so-subtle messages that it sends to us about the way we look, still gets to me. It's not easy to dismiss it. I'm not going to lie and say that I love my body, or that I'm proud of it. I'm not there yet.

But what I can say is that I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of the fact that, despite society and all of the anxiety I feel about how I currently look, I'm just not going to waste any time on it anymore. I will do what I can to be healthy (like, you know, take my insulin). And beyond that, I will spend my extra money on making memories with my son and with my friends, rather than on tanning lotions and expensive highlights. I will spend my time making memories rather than on excessively exercising and obsessively dieting.

I'm not trying to denounce anyone who does feel the need to spend time and money shaping themselves. Do what you feel you need to.

But as for me, I am proud of myself this year -- proud beyond anything that my body and physical appearance represents. I'm simply proud of the woman I am. And when I show up at the beach, or the theme park, or the barbecue, or wherever this summer, I will not be there to prove that I can meet anyone else's expectations of "beauty." I will be there to have fun.

As I am.

Single Rider Lines

I spoke a bit about single rider lines in a comment thread over at Coaster Guy's blog. This wasn't an issue I've brought up very often in the past, but I think it needs to be discussed.

Why, you ask? Well, here's my reasoning: with the exception of Disney (who does not own any of my particularly favorite theme parks), single rider lines are not often utilized. In high-traffic parks with large coasters that draw people like myself, you can find a single rider line only once in a blue moon. Sometimes you'll see one at an older coaster, or maybe at a random newer coaster once in a while. But the parks don't seem to make them a priority.

And I'm having an issue with that.

First, let me identify what single rider lines actually are, and what they actually do. When people are visiting a park by themselves (because they're hopeless roller coaster addicts, haha), or if a group of people choose to ride individually, these people can enter a ride through the exit and experience a much shorter wait than they would in the general queue. They wait for a single space to be available (you know, during those times when you've got a row of four seats and only three people in a group, so there's one extra seat available), and are able to get on the ride by filling in the extra seat. This system is actually useful to all people involved, but because some people feel that shorter wait times for others are "unfair," many parks have cut back on the single rider lines.

I recently visited Six Flags Discovery Kingdom for a quick run on some of my favorite coasters there. Earlier this summer, they utilized single rider lines (especially for Superman: Ultimate Flight, where park owners feared capacity issues). I loved it -- as a person visiting my myself, these lines offered me a chance to hop from ride to ride, have a good time, get my adrenaline fill, and leave the park within a few hours. That one experience made me a loyal Six Flags fan, and I couldn't wait to return.

On my recent visit, however, the park owners had decided to do away with single rider lines. Because school is now back in session, the park is only open on weekends, and it seems as though every single weekend is jam-packed full of people (and I can imagine it will only get worse when Fright Fest starts). So this meant that I either had to leave the park, or consign myself to hours of waiting for only a few rides. And I had an issue with that.

Some of you are probably thinking that my thought process is rather entitled, and that I should take a few steps back. Why, you may ask, should I have the privilege of not waiting in line when everyone else has to? Why shouldn't I have to get in line, like everybody else?

Good questions -- and while I don't think there are simple, black and white answers to that, I'll share with you my thoughts. To me, single rider lines are very important, for a few reasons.

First, single rider lines help everybody. Believe it or not, having a single rider line keeps the wait shorter for everyone, even those in the stand-by line. When every seat in a car is full, customers are shuffled through the queue area and the ride itself much faster than if every car has empty seats. Think about it this way -- if only one person got to ride per car, how long do you think it would take to get a whole queue of people on the ride? When I go through the single rider entrance, and can be placed in a seat that would have otherwise been empty, I will not be taking up an entire row later on (again, with an empty seat beside me) when someone else might have been able to use it. Single rider lines save time for everyone.

But beyond this, I have personal feelings about single rider lines. I know that some people question whether or not single rider lines are fair, and believe that we should all wait in the same line, regardless of how many are in our party. That's fine -- I respect that opinion. However, I will venture to say that when I choose to attend a theme park by myself, my experience (and my expectations) is vastly different than people who arrive in large groups. When I go by myself, my expectation is that I'll ride as many thrill rides as I can in a given time, and then leave. With groups, however, the expectation is a bit different.

When families or groups of friends attend a theme park together, they expect to move a bit more slowly. They'll be riding the rides, of course, but they'll also probably be seeing the shows. They'll be sitting down to dine together. They might take pictures with characters, or stop for a photo in a scenic area. And while they're waiting in those long lines, they'll be talking, laughing, and visiting together.

Now don't get me wrong -- being a single rider has given me the opportunity to meet lots of great people (on my last visit to Six Flags Magic Mountain, my two very long waits for Tatsu both resulted in some extremely wonderful conversations with people I didn't even know). But that is not why I am there. That is not why I have purchased a season pass to the park. I bought a season pass, and am there by myself, solely so that I can experience roller coasters -- quickly, and in large amounts.

When I visit theme parks with groups of people, I don't usually mind waiting in the long lines. It's part of the experience. But when you're there on your own, with a very specific agenda in mind, it becomes tedious.

And it's even more tedious when you take into account the fact that, in my experience, Six Flags Discovery Kingdom had single rider lines! They just chose to eliminate the entire system. And when I asked why, I was told that it was because other people couldn't behave themselves.

Yes, you read that correctly -- the single rider lines were eliminated because too many people were "abusing" the system. They'd get in the single rider line as groups, I was told. Or, one person would ride as a single rider and then rush to get in line with his or her group, who was now halfway through the queue. For the sake of fairness, I was told, the entire system had to be eliminated.

Not even taking into account the fact that the system was eliminated at the expense of people like me (who were, of course, not abusing the system), there are multiple issues that I have with this. First of all, I don't see a problem with groups of people using the single rider line. Part of the deal is that you will be split up, and will likely take multiple cars. If you don't mind your group being split up so that you can get on faster, then so what? Have at it. (Disney already allows this kind of behavior, and haven't had any issues with it.) Secondly, the latter scenario wouldn't be an issue if only the parks would enforce the "no line cutting" policy, which includes saving a place for someone else in line. This is supposedly grounds for being ejected from the park, but I've never seen it enforced (though I see people saving spots for others multiple times each time I visit a park).

But even if people have an issue with large groups using the single rider line, isn't there a way to deal with that without having to toss the system altogether?

I am one who believes that single rider lines should be available at all rides as well, not only a select few. As I said, it helps everyone out, and it also makes those of us who make a habit of visiting the parks by ourselves feel like we and our situations are valued.

National Roller Coaster Day

I just found out (courtesy of The Coaster Guy) that August 16 is National Coaster Day. This is a big deal for me, for not only am I a coaster enthusiast, but I happen to celebrate my birthday on August 16. This means, of course, that future birthday celebrations just might have to include at least one roller coaster, if for no other reason than to be as spirited a coaster junkie as I can.

August 16, which I have always only associated with my birthday, Madonna's birthday, and the day that Elvis died, has apparently also been National Roller Coaster day since the early 1980's (which is the exact time I happened to have been born). How did I not know about this until now?

The main thing to keep in mind about this day is that it's not just some unknown holiday for adrenaline junkies to come together and celebrate amongst ourselves. There are certain places that actually give free roller coasters rides (or celebrated the day in some other way) around the world. Although I'm still looking into it, what I know for certain is that Buffalo Bill's Resort and Casino is one venue that offers free rides on this day.

If you've ever driven the lonely expanse of highway in between Las Vegas and Los Angeles (and I have -- many, many times), then you're probably familiar with Buffalo Bill's. It's also commonly referred to in the vernacular as "State Line," and is that last pit stop before the final 40-or-so minutes into Vegas (or final 3 1/2 hours into LA). It's home to a roller coaster called Desperado, which I haven't had the pleasure of riding since 2003, despite the fact that I've been through the area many times since then.

While we're on the subject, Desperado is actually a pretty good roller coaster to experience, if you haven't before. Back in 1996, it was the tallest roller coaster in the world, with an initial drop of 225 feet. Since then, of course, it's been dethroned by such legends as Goliath (255 foot drop, at Six Flags Magic Mountain), Millennium Force (300 foot drop, at Cedar Point), and Kingda Ka (currently the reigning champion with a 418 foot drop, at Six Flags Great Adventure). But still -- how could you justify turning down a free ride on this classic (especially when it's your birthday)?

The thing is, though, I'd like to get more theme parks on board with National Roller Coaster Day. I think the biggest parks should be aware of it (including all of the Six Flags parks), so that they can help celebrate in some way. After all, we coaster enthusiasts are their primary customer, and we dig holidays like National Roller Coaster Day.

We'll see what happens when August 16, 2013 rolls around. Hopefully many of us can be in contact with the parks before then.

From Snow White to Korra ... and Everything in Between

Brendan and I have been watching The Legend of Korra every Saturday (seriously, we never miss it -- the Amazon Instant Video download every Saturday evening is always anticipated). For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, it's a sequel to the Avatar: The Last Airbender series that we both fell in love with a few years ago. It's awesome, but before I digress into why I'm enjoying the show so much, let me get to the point of my post.

Well, wait, no -- I need to backtrack one last time. Right around the time I began watching Korra, some of my theatre friends and acquaintances from Logan, Utah performed in a Disney-themed show called Remember the Magic at The Old Barn Theatre (where Brendan and I performed in winter of 2010). It was basically a compilation of Disney songs thrown together into a show. I recently got to view all of their production photos with a smile, 'cause it looked cute and fun. I started thinking, though, about how much many of these girls love Disney (particularly the princesses). Really, really, really love Disney.

It's not that I don't understand that fascination -- I, myself, went through a rather long phase of Disney obsession earlier in my life. As a child, I made my family members call me Snow White. I watched all of the princess movies, always wanted to dress up like a princess, and idolized every one of them. Disneyland was by far my favorite place to visit, and when I turned 18 I attended a mass cattle call audition in Anaheim so that I could be paid to be a "professional princess" (otherwise known as a "face character") at Disneyland. I'd wager money (really, I would) that some of my friends and family members questioned my sanity at times.

I eventually grew out of my obsession (which was really an escapist fantasy into a world I so desperately wanted to exist, but that's another story), but having lived in Utah for five years opened my eyes to a very interesting phenomenon. Girls in Utah (who mostly identify as very conservative) absolutely love Disney and its court of princess characters. Asking a young woman in Utah if she likes Disney is like asking a young woman in Utah if she likes Twilight -- the answer will usually be an unequivocal, resounding yes.

I'm not going to go out on a huge limb here and suggest that all conservative people really like Disney (especially since I know that some ultra-conservatives like to boycott Disney's support of gay rights), but I am going to speculate on a few things. As most people who know me are aware, I am not conservative. In fact, I'm pretty liberal. And I'm very open about being a feminist. With all of that being said, I'm also pretty disgusted with my former Disney obsession, for a number of reasons. I understand it and what it meant for me, but it's evolved into a love/hate relationship with the company that I often don't know how to balance.

And why, you ask, is there a part of me that hates Disney? There are a few reasons, but for the sake of this post I'm going to focus on the princess characters (with whom the majority of my obsession belonged). I get why so many girls and young woman love the princesses. For starters, they encompass everything our society has projected about the ideal woman. They're beautiful, graceful, kind, and loved by all. They always wind up with a handsome prince (or at least some rendition of a hot guy). Their stories end with the "happily ever after" scenario that every girl dreams of at least once in her life (come on, girls -- admit that you dreamed about it at least once growing up).
But this, in actuality, is entirely why I dislike them. Their extreme beauty sends a questionable message -- Disney doesn't create plain or homely heroines who get happily ever afters, only beautiful ones. When you pair that with the fact that many of the female villains are ugly (think of Cinderella's stepsisters and Ursula from The Little Mermaid), it's easy to equate goodness and female success with beauty, and virulence and female downfall with non-beauty. When you're a young girl idolizing these characters, it's even easier to base your own self-worth on your physical appearance (as if girls need any more of that in our culture and society).

Further, aside from the message this sends to women, we must also consider the message this sends about women. Snow White was considered the fairest in the land, and her stepmother was willing to kill her for it. That is extreme, and supports the notion that women are petty and jealous, and that out-doing each other (particularly when it comes to looks) is, or should be, our first priority. You see a similar situation when Mother Gothel is willing to kidnap Rapunzel and lock her away forever, living alone and isolated with her for years and years, for the sake of staying young and beautiful. I know that these are the villains of the story, but keep in mind that they're usually the only women (not girls) who play a significant role in the story.
And let's not forget that in Sleeping Beauty, the three fairies each bestowed a magical gift upon Princess Aurora. They could have given her any three gifts they wanted -- kindness, power, strength, the mental capacity to actually run a kingdom, or perhaps magical abilities of her own -- but instead, the first and foremost gift they granted her was the gift of beauty (followed by the gift of song, because a singing beauty is apparently more important than any quality that might make her a good monarch someday). What are girls supposed to take from that?

I'll also mention the romance aspect. Girls and women get dreamy-eyed when they watch Disney romances, but if you take a closer look at them, the reality is a bit darker. Notice how all of the princess movies (particularly the first three, Snow White, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty) all end with a marriage. These movies are supposed to be these girls' stories, and their stories end with a marriage -- that's it, end of story, happily ever after. Cinderella, even, was only able to escape her abusive family through the help of a handsome prince (and it wouldn't have happened had she not been beautiful). I've analyzed the possibility that this idea (and you see it everywhere, even outside of Disney) leads young girls to think that marriage is the key to their happiness and contentment. In our culture, girls are being sent the message that they should be striving for marriage, and once they achieve it, everything else will fall into place. Those of us who have experienced marriage know this isn't really the case, but does Disney bother to show the squabbling, the balance of power, the immense compromise, the learning to live together, the getting to know one another (as some of the Disney princesses married men they knew for about a day)? No. Do they ever allow the princess or heroine to remain single, shining light on the fact that some women prefer it to being married? No. (Update: Remember, please, that this blog post was written long before the days of Elsa and Moana.)

Couple this with the other subtle messages that Disney sends about love and marriage. For instance, Ariel was willing to give up everything -- her family, her friends, her voice (both physically and metaphorically), and basically her entire life -- for the sake of being with a man that she'd never even spoken to. Belle stayed with a physically and emotionally abusive man because she could "change" him. Jasmine chose to be with Aladdin, but let's not forget that she would have otherwise been forced into a different marriage -- the option of just being single, or even taking her time finding a suitable match, wasn't available to her. Even the most recent princess, Rapunzel, can't escape her own story, which was initially about discovering independence, self-determination, and her own autonomy. Her story is eventually dominated by the love story (she goes from being dependent on Mother Gothel to, at the end of the story, returning to her parents and marrying Eugene "Flynn" Rider -- there, in actuality, is no real self discovery other than "Oh, I'm a princess and I'm in love").

I know what some of you are probably thinking at this point (assuming you've made it this far) -- some rendition of "they're just stories," "they're just kid movies," or "you're taking this way too seriously." In some ways, I agree. I over-analyze everything. But remember that Disney Princess has become a franchise in and of itself. For many little girls and young women, these aren't "just" kid movies. Some people idolize and look up to the princesses (I know, because I was one of them). As a liberal feminist, I know that I'd like to see the role models of the next generation of women be a bit more round and less flat. I'd love them to be motivated by something other than jealousy and love. I'd love to see them experience some of the hopes, fears, and dreams that real women have, but are often neglected.

So this brings me to Korra. I think that there are a few great female role models in children's programming today (many more than when I was a child), but the some of the best come from the Avatar: The Last Airbender series (and its sequel). Katara, the story's main female character in the original series, is a strong and powerful water bender who eventually takes down one of the main villains. She's also motherly, kind, and feminine, and the combination of her attributes -- traditionally feminine, and yet also a driven warrior -- are part of what makes her character so likeable and complex. Although she does wind up romantically involved with the main male character in the end of the series, she initially turned him down, deciding to focus first on her role in the worldwide war. She's an intelligent girl who makes intelligent choices (and, sometimes, bad choices). She's more believable than any of Disney's princess characters.

There's also Toph, another main female character, who doesn't embody beauty or grace. She's a 12-year-old blind girl who's more than a bit rough around the edges. And she's also the world's most talented earth bender. One of the series' main villains, Azula, is actually driven by power, greed, and insanity -- she's hardly moved by others' beauty or relationship statuses. Her interactions and history with the other members of her royal family are complex and serve to help us understand Azula as a human being -- more than just the show's main villain. And then there's Suki, the female warrior who softens the formerly sexist Sokka. And finally, in the sequel to the series, we've got Korra, who's doing her best to balance her ambitious nature, brave and wild spirit, and, yes, her romantic feelings for a close friend. She's a dynamic character with an honest self-identity and, as the new Avatar, sense of command.

The main point that I take from these female characters, which I think is wholly important for girls and young women to grasp, is that femininity doesn't have to mean that you give up your power, independence, and autonomy. That beauty doesn't make you worthwhile, and plainness doesn't make you worthless. That romantic relationships are wonderful, but better made when two independent selves come together to work together (rather than one or both parties giving up all or part of themselves for the sake of the other).

So what does this have to do with conservatism and liberalism? I'm not sure, precisely, and I'm not about to make any leaping statements about it. But I do find it wholly interesting that the conservative women I know (who do strive for extreme beauty and do believe that marriage might be the most important things in the world) are awfully fond of the Disney princesses. And it's also interesting that, as a liberal, I reject much of what the princesses personify and seek out better representation of women, girls, and femininity for myself and my young son. Perhaps I find it more fascinating that others because I was that girl who lived and breathed everything Disney.

Perhaps I'm rambling about issues that are non-essential to most, but I think they speak about deeper issues that most women understand and appreciate. And so, ladies, I'll close by offering you a wink -- whether you agree with me or not, you know what I mean. ;)

Right Back Where I Started From...

I won't lie -- I've wanted to return to California for quite some time now, but didn't actually seriously take it into consideration until just a few months ago. Upon finishing my graduate degree in Utah, I thought about the possibility of staying in Utah or moving to a number of other places (Montana, Las Vegas, and Texas among them), for a number of reasons. For a while I was applying for jobs in various areas, thinking that wherever I happened to get a job was where I'd go. But when I didn't land a job in any one area (damn economy), I began to do some serious consideration about what I, personally, wanted and where I desired to live.

The answer was California. During my teenage and early adult years (you know, when I was still pining to be a princess at Disneyland) I desired to return to California (where I was born and spent many of the first twelve years of my life). After I married and traveled from Vegas to Washington to Idaho to Utah, I desired to return to California. So now that I'm on my own and calling all the shots in my life, I had to answer the following question: at this point in my life, when I can choose anywhere I want to go, why not finally return to California? After all, when will I again have the opportunity to pick anywhere I want to live and make it happen?

The major issue for me was expense. It's no secret that California is a hugely expensive state to live in, particularly in the Bay Area (where I'm at). Luckily, though, I have friends here who have been kind enough to open their home to me and show me that finding a nice area that's still affordable is, in fact, possible -- if you know where to look. So, to make a long story short, I found myself a great place in a great area and am getting ready to make the move that I've been looking forward to for about fifteen years now.

Still, I've been reflecting recently on the fact that I'll be leaving Utah after living there for almost five years. My son was practically raised there. I got my education (bachelor's and master's degrees) there. I'd be lying if I claimed I didn't have some roots there. So, as excited as I am to be in California now, I am finding myself reminiscing fondly about some aspects of my former state.

Things I'll miss about Utah:

1) The people I met. I made some great friends in Utah, both in St. George (Cath Glover, Dustin Jackson, and Kay Berry, to name a few) and in Logan (Simone Suddreth, Charlotte Kondel), and I'll miss them for sure. The academic mentors that I grew close to (Sue Bennett, Jennifer Sinor, Brock Dethier, etc.) are all in Utah as well. Even the acquaintences that I made (the Old Barn Theatre crowd, for example) were great people. I've taken so much from my Utah relationships.

2) "Minority Sundays." Being part of the nonreligious crowd in Utah usually meant that I could go shopping on Sundays with little to no crowds to deal with. I'll definitely miss that.

3) The small, safe community. This has it's upside and downside, but Logan was certainly the smallest, safest community I've ever lived in (with the exception of, maybe, Hudson in Quebec). Last year, my first grader could walk to and from school on his own, and there was an overall sense of calm throughout the community. I didn't lock my doors, and never once had a problem. That will be missed.

But ... here are the things I'm just loving about California:

1) Being back in a busy, diverse community. Let's be honest -- even though Utah has some diversity (especially on the college/university campuses), it's very white and very Mormon. I'm loving being (and raising my son) in an area that experiences and promotes racial, religious, sexual, and political diversity (among other things). It's fantastic.

2) Related to what I just said, it's been great being in a political and ideological environment that I fit into better. Being the furthest thing from an ultra-conservative Mormon, coupled with the fact that I'm a single, working mother made finding a niche in Utah quite difficult. Not so in the Bay Area.

3) Two words: food and wine. In California, the fruits and veggies are so fresh. The seafood is so fresh. The variety of the stores and in the stores is amazing. Nearly everything is just delicious, and all of this makes eating healthy so much easier than I'm used to. And let's not forget that I'm now in wine country, so the flow of delicious reds and whites has been nonstop.

4) The job and academic opportunities. Even though the economy sucks and finding a job anywhere is tough right now, this area is huge, and being close to San Francisco means that there are job openings all over the place. I've been able to throw my resume in dozens of different areas. Also, I've been thinking about the future possibility of either a PhD or a JD, and the academic institutions offer so many choices to be thinking about.

5) My place. It's small and affordable. It has a dishwasher (after living two years without one, this was a big deal). It's surrounded by trees and plant life. It's close to so much. I'm loving it.

6) The weather. In Utah, I was used to two extremes: the dry desert heat of St. George, and the frigid winters of Logan. In St. George, I spent summers sweating and seeking out air-conditioned venues. In Logan, I spent winters managing icy roads and air cold enough to freeze wet hair. Since being in California, I've experienced the mildest, most beautiful weather! The summer has been mostly in the high 70s and low 80's -- warm enough to swim, and cool enough to stay comfortable. I know it won't snow in the winter. It's fantastic.

I know there are other things I'll miss about Utah and other things I love about California that I'll remember one minute after posting this, but for now I'll leave it as is. I'm heading out now to enjoy the clear blue skies and 75 degree summer!

My Adventures as a Homeless Hippie Vagabond

Yeah, that sounds much more interesting than it actually is. The truth of the matter is that I packed up my tiny little apartment at Aggie Village on Monday and have not yet decided where I'm going beyond that. Part of the problem is that I want to make sure I move somewhere with decent job aspects (for me) and education aspects (for Brendan) and possible PhD aspects (again, for me) so that my son and I can settle in for a while and actually build some roots. But more on that later...

...For now, back to Monday. I actually woke up on Monday and thought, "Hm. Today is moving day and I have absolutely no plan with which to attack it." Granted, I had spent the previous month packing my place, and it was all finished and ready to go, but I had no idea how I was going to transfer the contents of my life from the apartment to the storage unit downtown. To make matters worse, I quickly realized that it was Memorial Day (how on earth had I missed that one?), and that pretty much every moving company in town was closed. My good friend Charlotte Kondel and her family were coming over to help me, but I was dreading the inevitable time when they showed up and I had nothing to offer but a house full of boxes and furniture with no way to move it all.

So in step my neighbors. I didn't know my neighbors very well (the combination of my semi anti-social nature and my incredibly busy schedule made that increasingly difficult throughout the course of last year), but somehow they'd gotten wind of the fact that I was moving. Before I knew it, there was a couple offering to let me use their van, two strong men to actually do the moving, and their two wives to help me clean the place out. That, combined with Charlotte's family, made the entire ordeal a very, very easy experience. Let me just pause here and say that this is one aspect of LDS culture that has really begun to impress me. These neighbors did know me well enough to know that I was a single mother who had no interest in joining the LDS Church, and yet wanted to help me out simply for the sake of helping me. They wanted nothing in return, but were so eager to make my life easier. I can't thank them enough -- I don't think they'll ever know how their kindness affected me.

So with all of my things in storage, I spent the night at Charlotte's house and had a great time watching Law and Order while the children played. Even though I slept on the couch, her dog made it a point to show how much she likes me by curling up underneath my blankets and snuggling me all night. :) The following day I drove to St. George, where I spent the evening catching up with my good friend Cathrine Glover. Her son recently went away to college in central Utah, so Brendan and I got to use his bedroom.

In arranging visitations with all of my friends in St. George, I did the stupidist thing. I meant to arrange a lunch date with Amanda Scott, who went through college and graduated with me. But I wound up accidentally texting an Amanda I knew in Logan, thinking it was the one from St. George, and when we both wound up at Cafe Rio six hours away from each other, I almost slapped myself for the idiotic moment of the week. But I did get to see old friends Kaye Berry, Kathy Gubler, Dustin Jackson, and my college mentor, Sue Bennett. I had a lovely time with all of them.

On Thursday evening, Brendan and I had tickets to see Disney's The Little Mermaid at Tuacahn, so we drove out there eager to see a good show. When we got there, however, we were told the show had been cancelled due to the director's feelings that the cast was not ready to open. I was kind of livid, but they did say that anyone could stay and watch the final dress rehearsal, as long as we understood that it was just that -- a rehearsal. So Brendan and I, along with a couple hundred other people, watched a professional dress rehearsal.

What I can say is this: I would have loved to see the show in its entirety, nonstop, because it was positively stunning. It was definitely on the same caliber, if not better, than the showing of Wicked I saw last summer in San Francisco. The actors were phenomenal (with the exception of King Triton, who was somewhat of a weak link), the sets were amazing, and the special effects breathtaking. And even though the lights continually came up in the house so that scenes could be redone and notes could be given, and a two hour show took almost four to complete, Brendan and I were happy we stayed. Every time the show stopped, too, some of the actors actually chatted with the kids in the audience (which Brendan found to be enchanting), so there was some good that came out of it.

Right after the show I drove to Vegas to spend time with Lisa while Tommy is away up north for the weekend. We've been drinking and playing video games (and, yes, I've also been keeping up with my online students in the meanwhile), and it's been a great, relaxing visit. Brendan got a chance to visit with his dad and grandmother, too, which was nice for him.

But, all right, I do have to take a moment here and gripe about the driving situation in Las Vegas. Last night was the most ridiculous experience ever. In dropping Brendan off with his grandma, I got lost three times (I know, those of you who know me well are so surprised about that one), had to find gas in the middle of the Strip (possible, believe it or not), and fought a low blood sugar episode with Brendan's stash of car treats (which turned out to be a nasty Fruity Pebbles cereal bar). Then, in picking him up, I got stuck in ridiculous traffic and found myself behind a woman whose car stalled right in the middle of the street. She put her own gas in to help the problem, but then decided to stare at her gas tank for a while instead of getting into the vehicle to move it out of the way. That's Vegas for you. It took me forever to actually pick up Brendan once I found out I could not turn down the Freemont Street Experience (thanks, GPS), but all turned out well.

In the midst of all of this ... yes, I have been thinking about where I'm going to move after I finish this little vagabond trip. I have some ideas, and have pretty much decided to follow Lisa and Tommy up north, although if I miraculously get a job elsewhere you never know where I may end up.

Okay, so here we are. If you've actually made it this far and are still reading, then hooray for staying tuned in to my crazy life! I think that Lisa, Brendan, and I are going to play some Castlevania and eat pork tonight, but before I close let me brag about one thing that I've discovered: I can still shoot tequila without lime or a chaser. Go me.

Could the References to Abuse be Any Stronger?

Now that I'm done with my thesis and am taking a much needed break from grading (for all of a few days), I decided that what I needed was some good, old-fashioned mindless entertainment to relax my brain and, hopefully, my body. I haven't indulged in any reality TV (yet), but did pick up a copy of Breaking Dawn, the last of the Twilight series. It's been a few years now since I read the first three (well, okay, two and a half, considering I couldn't finish the third one), and thought I might as well give the last one a shot, just to see how the saga ends. Nothing like trashy teenage romance, right?

I'm not even 100 pages in, and I'm already appalled -- so appalled, apparently, that I had to blog about it. I know that I've had this tired conversation with people many times before, but this deserves to be said as well as read, especially if you have anything at all against young adult authors promoting abusive relationships. Ms. Meyer goes a bit far with this one, in my humble opinion.

I won't waste too much time going over plots and such, but just so you get the gist of what I'm saying, here's what's been happening: the beginning of the book indulges in Bella and Edward's wedding. They get married at long last, go on their honeymoon and have sex for the first time. That's the basic plotline thus far.

But okay, let me back up a bit. I should throw in that they get married despite Bella's objections throughout the first few chapters. Yes, she begrudgingly marries Edward even though she doesn't really believe in marriage as part of a deal with him. He won't have sex with her until they're married, so she agrees. The entire deal is that they'll get married and go on a honeymoon while Bella is still human so that she can experience sex with human emotions and see what it's like before she becomes a vampire forever. Edward's not cool with this, as apparently a vampire is so powerful that sex with a human is very dangerous for the human, but ... a deal's a deal, right? So they get married and voila -- as soon as it's done, Bella is overcome with wonderful feelings. She's with her soulmate. Why had she been doubting this?

But the end of the wedding is where I started getting a little uncomfortable. Because Bella is becoming a vampire soon, and vampires must protect their secret from every human (except, I guess, if you're dating one) she acknowledges that she's never going to get to see her parents again. "My father and mother could not be allowed to see me again," she says, and she's okay with this because she's got her man. This is just like those Little Mermaid-esque stories about women who give up everything they know and love for the sake of being with their chosen man. For that to happen, the man should be pretty damn awesome. But, as you're about to find out, Edward is not.

Once they reach their tropical island honeymoon destination, Edward and Bella have sex in the ocean, and Bella wakes up the next morning with large bruises all over her body (such a strong, powerful vampire is he). We then spend pages and pages reading about Edward's moping ("I hurt you ... but I didn't mean to"), and Bella's reassurance ("It wasn't your fault!"). This ongoing conversation had disturbing undertones. We then learn that, in a fit of rage over what he'd done to Bella the night before, Edward had destroyed the bed pillows, and when Bella asks why, he responds, "I don't know ... we're just lucky it was the pillows and not you." Yes, he actually said that. Then Bella proceeds to shower (wash it away, wash it away), and then dresses herself in, quote, a "white cotton dress that concealed the worst of the violet blotches." Edward then makes her breakfast, we get more of the "it's not your fault" dialogue from Bella, and Edward finishes his sulking with the favorite promise: "I'll never hurt you again."

That's where the chapter ends. That's where I stopped. I don't know what Stephenie Meyer intended when writing this book, but for me the disturbing undertones were clear: "Sometimes your perfect man will hurt you. It's okay. He loves you. It's not his fault. He didn't mean to. Cover it up and show him love and support him and hopefully he'll never do it again." I know that the situation wasn't blatant -- in this situation, Edward really didn't mean to hurt her. But, still, that's part of the problem here. Edward didn't want to participate in human/vampire sex because he knew it could hurt his beloved, but Bella talked him into it. In the end, the entire thing was Bella's idea, so Edward can't be blamed because she had "made" him do it. Do you see what's happening here? Regardless, the messages are remarkably clear.

I realize that Ms. Meyer may not have meant to metaphorically slap across the face every woman who has ever been in an abusive relationship, that she probably didn't mean to leave me feeling so unsettled, but those things aren't even what's bothering me the most right now. It absolutely kills me that there are literally millions of girls and young women out there who are reading this shit and really believe that Edward Cullen is the epitome of male perfection. I know there are plenty of smart women out there who read these books for what they are, but I do know that there are some -- especially here, where they're most popular, in Meyer's home state of Utah (she now lives in Arizona) -- there are plenty more who will take this to heart. Knowing that there are so many girls who will believe that they can (and should) be coerced into a marriage they don't want, with someone who has a track record of controlling who her friends are, even if they have to give up ties to friends and family to do it, and that he might hurt you but it's okay because he didn't mean to kills me. It just kills me. And it's rhetoric like this, which is stronger than you think over here in Utah, that makes me so angry about the predominant culture here.

I don't know what other disgusting examples of abusive behavior take place in this book. What I've talked about occured in the first 98 pages of a 754-page book. I know that I don't entirely want to know, but the bigger problem is how to fight against such rhetoric. How can we make stronger women's voices heard over ones like "heroine" Bella's, and how do they override the damaging messages that media such as the Twilight saga, in all their popularity, endorse?

I know many people will roll their eyes at this. They'll say I'm making a mountatin out of a molehill, that I'm taking things out of context, that this is a love story and why am I making such a big deal out of it? I've heard it all before, and I call bullshit to it all. In many instances, Edward shows himself to be an abusive boyfriend, and no girl should be taught that he is the ideal. And while many girls read it as fantasy, someone should be standing up for the girls who are not, the girls who will be telling themselves to shut up and endure somewhere down the road. I won't lie -- it pisses me off, and I wish there were more people interested in being vocal about women's rights. It seems almost taboo these days.

So what can we do in situations like this one? Perhaps we should turn away, mind our own business, but I really wish more of us had more of a desire to push strong women in society, to give little girls real role models to look up to. At the risk of ranting all night, I'm closing now. I didn't get what I was looking for with the book, so I'll go play some Avatar: The Last Airbender on the PS2with Brendan...